Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
