I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize