aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
