the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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