he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
