I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
