I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize