Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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