she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
