I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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