dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
