he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
