The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
