Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
