ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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