where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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