It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
