guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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