Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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