Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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