im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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