He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize