I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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