last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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