My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
