As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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