does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
