You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
