this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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