Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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