I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize