Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
