At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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