I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
