tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
