You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
