she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
