god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
