I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
