a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
