Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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