so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
