the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
