Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
