He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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