So drunk its hurt
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
