Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
