you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
