I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
