mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
