You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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