When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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