Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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