I think my fart just growled at me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
