it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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