I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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