Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
