I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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