We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize