$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
