i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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