you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
