please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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