omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
