so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
