The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize