just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
