maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
