i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
